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An honest (and hilarious) look at selling a house from the Mom’s point of view

House for sale!

Have you ever sold a home? Tried to sell a home, but gave up because your muscles were just not willing to endure one more day of super deep "we have to clean in case they call with a showing!" Welcome to my world! Month 8, at least 60 people have viewed our home, and about 20 have canceled or not shown up at all. It's fun keeping it spotless with 3 little kids, really! Throw in the fact that I work from home. Not at a little desk with a small laptop and a file cabinet. Nope, not me, I have to do things the hard way and make bath & body products! By the time my work day is in full swing, I've used 3 huge bowls, 3 pots, measuring cups, hand mixers, countless oils and butters, spoons, bottles, caps, spritzers… That describes the kitchen. The dining room becomes the packing and shipping station, and my office is the bottling and labeling department. Lots to clean up when a buyer decides they want to see the goods!
 
As of today we've lowered the price of the house to a level that my first grader can afford. No, not exactly true, but we've worked really hard on our home, and we have to let it go for less than we know it's worth.
If you are currently in the market for a home, I have some suggestions for you.
 
  • Please cancel your appointment if you are not going to make it. And stop making up stories about "family emergencies" and "sick child." Just a simple "we can't make the appointment" will do just fine. Calling before the appointment would be fabulous, this way I am not sitting on 3 innocent children to keep them from pulling out 250 Lite Brite bulbs, while we await your possible arrival;)
  • Don't let your savage children cough and sneeze on my kids' toys. And please stop leaving said savages unattended, with your real estate agent, or WITH ME! I love children (THAT I KNOW) and I am NOT a babysitter for your kids while you discuss directions to the NEXT APPOINTMENT with your broker.
     
  • Stop asking me what's in my garage. If you can't identify an authentic COCKPIT and SOAP then you need some sort of help. Besides, what is in my garage is none of your darn business, because it's not staying and has no impact on your life. And yes, it is a ONE CAR GARAGE. You have likely looked at my house on MLS, driven past it, and oh, yes, you are STANDING in front of it when you ask! People, please, I can hide dark chocolate covered almonds from my kids, but an additional garage? NO!
     
  • Please limit your stay if you are not making an offer on my home. Yes, my very sweet and charming Honey is a pilot, but that does not mean you are invited to ask him every meaningless question you can think of. He can't advise you if your Disney flight in 2 months might be delayed, and no, he really doesn't have time to name all the cities he flies to, because although he is nice to look at, I'm not sure he's ENTIRELY on top of silly things like where he's been. He's too busy reading "Graphics Programming with Direct X 9 :Module1. (We'll get back to that later, that clearly needs a post of it's own) And yes, the soap in the garage that I make is to BATHE with, aren't you BRIGHT!!! So please, if we are not doing business that involves a CONTRACT, just get out!
     
  • Most important, pay attention. Please don't poop in my house. If you need to use a bathroom, #1 is fine, weak bladders happen. If you eat something funny and don't feel quite right, STOP AT A GAS STATION. Or, better yet, be ON TIME for your appointment, instead of stopping to stuff your face first. Just because I have 3 kids 6 and under does not mean I am a punching bag for all things bathroom related.

-Amanda L. from Spring